bitterbaristasfanfiction15213:
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“You are outnumbered ten to one. You will perish at my hands and the kingdom will be mine.”
“You know what? That’s fair. I quit.”
“…What?”
*sputters* you can’t DO THAT!
*hero determinedly walking away*
“Nope, it’s yours now. Try to keep things running smoothly.”
*villain runs after the hero, flailing*
“But, but… All the buildup! All the trials you’ve been through! Are you going to throw those away!?”
“Of course not! I got all this great gear and was taught by the best in all the land along the way. I’m sure the skills I gained will serve me well in the future. Oh, maybe I should ask the others if they want to start a mercenary company of our own. We could travel, see the world…”
“I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!”
“Don’t be silly, you just won an entire kingdom. Arrange yourself a flashy coronation ceremony or something, give the people a party after all the war and other nonsense, and they’ll sing your praises.”
“I never wanted the kingdom’s attention, just yours!”
*the hero pauses*
Tag: text posts
Personally I always felt like Hobbits age at roughly the same rate as exceptionally healthy humans and that the reason they don’t come of legal age until 33 is because have you met people in their 20s because Tolkien did
Funny: Pippin is an idiot because he’s not an adult yet.
Funnier: Pippin is an idiot because he’s 28.
Look, sometimes murders of crows will blacken the sky at your coming and ravening wolves are gonna follow in your wake, and you’re just gonna have to deal with that, and everybody else in the Costco is just gonna have to deal too
dear guys who make gatorade frost:
the purpose of having a name for the flavor of your product is to tell me what flavor your product is
apparently, nobody ever told you this, and so you think the purpose of naming flavors is to sound like Death Knight talents
I don’t know what Icy Charge tastes like but I’m pretty sure it’s going to move me into melee with my target and slow their movement speed by 75% for 3 seconds
i love how in like 80% of Clone Wars fixit fics palpatine just up and dies in the background. like no one even cares how he dies, he just does. like the characters are going about their business, falling in love, setting up clone colonies, dealing with trauma, or whatever and at some point it’s just like “oh yeah and the chancellor choked on a bagel and died last week”
So, fun fact for all of you history dorks, but you know that legend about Cleopatra being so rich and trashy that she would drink her wine with crushed up pearls in it?
Pearls are mostly Calcium Carbonate. When they mix with acids (such as those in wine) they produce carbon dioxide like little balls of fancy alkaseltzer.
What Im saying is, call Cleopatra a trashy hoe all you want, but she was the trashy hoe who invented instant champagne. Bitch was living in 3018 while everyone else was in 18
No more child actors. Children don’t deserve to be exposed to Hollywood. From now on all children will be portrayed by adults walking on their knees.
Mother: “Sara it’s 10 o clock bedtime sweetie”
*hugh Jackman in a blond wig with pig tails*: BUT MOOOOOOOOM
“A mystery is the only literary form that pits the reader and the writer against each other. The writer’s side of the deal is to play fair.”
— Sue Grafton
my favourite ever literary trope is “you want me to be a villain? i’ll show you a villain” that shit gives me goosebumps and given the right context also turns me on
my body, tearfully: when sleep???
me: my dude we just woke up!! It’s time for wakefulness and doing things and Productivity
my body, weeping: but???? when sleep?????
me: okay, finally now is sleep
my body: no. wrong.
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