Tag: text posts

xenosaurus:

xenosaurus:

Story concept of the day: a mad scientist has been turning the residents of their neighborhood into monsters… on request. The government tries to investigate and discovers the locals treat this as a body mod on par with a tattoo or piercing.

the comments on this post immediately confirm the premise that people would do this

alexalexalexalex:

meladoodle:

my friend angella was doing a comedy gig, and as soon as she came out a guy shouted ‘can i give you my number?’ and all the crowd groaned cause it was so inappropriate but angella was like ‘yeah sure’. the guy started shouting out his number and she started entering it into her phone. the whole crowd was like woaaah. she got the whole number and then dialled it and it rang. everyone lost their shit. finally the guy answered and angella just said “hello? shut the fuck up” and it was the most incredible thing i’ve ever seen 

So some of these details are probably wrong, it happened a long time ago so I don’t remember the specifics leading up, but it was incredible.

A friend of mine who does stand up was doing his bit at open mic one night, and a guy was heckling him. Just being a total asshole, and then his phone rang and he started talking loudly on his phone about how he’s at open mic and this guy isn’t funny, etc. Now the weird thing about hecklers is that they just want to be a part of something most of the time, so my friend said, “hey man, what’s your name? Can I see your phone for a second?”

The guy actually handed over his phone, and my friend hung up, and scrolled through his contact list until he found the person he was looking for. He hit dial, and starts.

“Hello? Is this [Name’s] mom? Great! It’s very nice to talk to you. I’m a comedian in the middle of my standup routine, and your son is being very rude, [lists off some of the things her son said]…. hold on, can I get you to repeat that?”

He takes the phone away, puts it in speakerphone and holds it up to the mic.

“I said, I’m sorry my son is being such an asshole.”

Everyone lost it. Fuckin’ destroyed by his own mother. My friend said it was one of his proudest moments ever.

ernmark:

One of the things Venom did very well that I’m really into is what I like to call Benevolent Possession. 

This idea of sharing your body/head with another creature that’s on your side and actually cares about your wellbeing– and that sometimes you can just tap out and it’ll take over for you. I don’t care if it’s an alien symbiote or a demon or the ghost of a dead pharaoh or whatever, the concept tends to stay the same, as long as that other being decides that they like you and they want you to be happy and in good health.

Those times when you’re just so tired and you know there are things that you Need To Do but you know if you push yourself any harder today you’re going to fucking break down? Just hand the joystick to your buddy and let them do their thing while you disassociate for a while.

Get caught in a depression or anxiety spiral that you can’t get out of? No need to worry, you’ve got a bunkmate inside your head who is aware of the situation, and they’re louder and more persistent than the other voices in your head. 

Pining for your ex? Good thing you’ve got a second opinion right there in your head telling you that it’s not a good idea and they don’t deserve you anyway.

Second-guessing what you wrote in that email to that very important person? Guess who you can ask about it.

Scared of walking alone outside for fear that something bad could happen? No need to worry, you aren’t alone, and if anyone tries to hurt you, your friend will f̶̨͉̬̜̹͙͈̍̂͒͘͞͠ͅư̴̦͕̰̞͛̈̄̾̇͢ç̧̛̦̱̫͌̆̑̆̿̚̚͜͢k̷̡̭̻̯͈͑̏̓̀̏̐͋̈̚͠i̸͈̤͍͚͔̙̹̙̮̿̊͂͒͋̇̑̾ͅn̷̼̮̳̥̱̊̉̋͒̄͗̌ͅg̷̺̞̠͎̼̙͉̬͉͌̿̽̒̓̚ ę̼͔̪̺̒͗́̈́̏ǎ̛̹̪̫̲͎̜̜̼̩̒̇̑͟t̩̮͈͕̰̎̀̽̽̀ t̴̡̼̬͚̞̂̀͊̾̒̃̊͑͜h̸͙̻͍͕͐̊́̋͢͡ę̖̟̬̟̰̫̭̖͔̾̃̄̑̍͘͠m̺̭̲͚̥̬̪̔̔̓̓̈́̅̚͡͝.

It’s just something that really appeals to me, you know?

link-is-a-twink:

link-is-a-twink:

link-is-a-twink:

link-is-a-twink:

People are always excited about how ants can lift way more than their bodyweight but I’m not impressed. I can lift dorito crumbs too its not that hard

If ants were really strong then they’d be able to grow bigger without being crushed by the weight of their own stupid exoskeleton

~oh look at me~ I have hydraulics in my legs but couldnt figure out how to build a functional respiratory system so when I get too big I jsut die

I posted this at 4am but i stand by it

stephendann:

churchyardgrim:

slightlyfrumiousbandersnatch:

just-shower-thoughts:

The fact that we can accidentally bite the insides of our cheeks has to be the biggest design flaw of the human body.

NO SORRY IT’S THE FACT THAT OUR TRACHEA AND ESOPHAGUS CROSS AND BRIEFLY OCCUPY THE SAME HOLE
DOLPHINS DON’T HAVE THIS PROBLEM.

WE ONLY GET ONE SET OF ADULT TEETH THAT ARE DESIGNED TO LAST MAYBE HALF OUR EXPECTED LIFESPAN

OUR LOWER BACKS ARE STRUCTURALLY FUCKED FROM MAKING A SHITTY TRANSITION TO BEING BIPEDS

INTELLIGENT DESIGN MY ASS, BUT AT THE VERY LEAST WE’RE NOT HORSES

“In conclusion, the humans were extremely angry until they saw the horse, and then thought ‘Well, that bastard’s got it rough, this ain’t so bad’“

mirioes:

Victor ‘I expected a monster I made out of decomposing body parts to be beautiful’ Frankenstein

Victor ‘I hauled ass out of my apartment and walked around my college campus for hours instead of dealing with the monster I gave life to’ Frankenstein

Victor ‘Oh thank god the monster left my apartment while I went out and panicked so it’s not my problem anymore’ Frankenstein

Victor ‘I know that this monster killed my younger brother but if I say anything people will think I’m crazy so no thanks’ Frankenstein

Victor ‘Wow look at those mountains wait is that the creature I made sprinting at me across the ice HOLY FUCK’ Frankenstein